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OLD AGE IS NOT FOR SISSIES

BECAUSE NOTHING IN LIFE IS TO BE FEARED, IT IS ONLY TO BE UNDERSTOOD

What Happened to Finding Fault?

by Filed Under: Opinion Leave a Comment

Well, watch out, because I’m about to get up on my soapbox. I’ve been noticing something about our culture lately.

If there is a feature about ourselves or our children that is unattractive or unsatisfactory, especially a defect or flaw in one’s character, we tend to blame our influences.  It can be as big as a vice or as small as a shortcoming. It is as if it were no fault of our own.  There is no responsibility or guilt, and we as a culture tend to cleave to this new standard.

In today’s society “finding fault with someone” has a stigma against it.  To find fault is to be seen as critical or condemning.  There seems to be no way to “constructively criticize” anymore.  Even parents find the task daunting, and you certainly cannot remain your child’s friend if you are critical in any way.  Why? Well, what would that do to Mary’s self-esteem?

I remember the first time one of my kids came home from school and told me that I might be “hurting” her self-esteem. I cannot remember what the perceived infraction was, but I remember that she brought this verbal message home from her guidance counselor–that I shouldn’t be so critical as it might “hurt her (my daughter’s) self-esteem”. I didn’t handle the situation very well, because I told her to go back to that school and tell that counselor to kiss my ass.

Years later, thankfully, my daughter told me that she never delivered the message. My daughter is now 34 years old with two children of her own. Believe me, there is nothing wrong with her self-esteem.

But back to finding fault, and all its negative connotations. Today, the easy way for a parent to skirt this problem is to blame everything on our influences. And it isn’t just others, I find myself doing it, too.

It is always the fault of our influences. It is a problem of poverty. It is a problem of not having a computer. It is a problem of going to school in a portable. The dog ate the homework. It cannot be anything else; and if it is, one must remain calm at all costs. I’m not sure kids today understand when they’ve really done wrong or not.

The opposite of fault is virtue.  A virtue is considered a behavior showing high moral standards.  Swirling around it is goodness, integrity, dignity, honor, and respectability.  Ethics is part of it and is certainly in vogue today. At least it is for social discourse.

For example patience is virtue, as is the virtues of a simple life.  Surely, if one acts virtuously, one can expect respectability.  Take it further and it is an asset, a forte, an attribute, a strength, and an advantage. So if you don’t have virtue, then we blame your influences—certainly never the person.

Let’s take it back another step. We admire our virtues and the virtues of our children, though sometimes I wonder if we get mixed up about the difference between a virtue and simply working hard.  Or is working hard a virtue in and of itself?

If our children do well, we take full responsibility. We commend ourselves and express admiration for the job they have done. Some of us expect applause, as we eulogize, compliment and congratulate ourselves. We may even wax lyrical about it. And we certainly expect a pat on the back. All the while, our kids are watching. Just imagine how our kids will be later when that “pat on the back” isn’t delivered, as they’ve been raised to expect.

As for our kids, we cannot praise them enough, even for the slightest little gain. We glorify, honor and adore them.   We pay tribute with trophies, heap accolades upon them and hold them in great esteem. I often wonder what this young adult feels like during their first job when no trophies or accolades come their way, as is often the case even when we’ve done well.

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If our kid falls short “in any way”, we must be careful not to condemn the bad behavior. We must not criticize for fear they will find someone else in which to take their troubles.

If the behavior is beyond our control and goes outside of the home, we can release ourselves and simply blame his or her influences. Suzie fell in with a bad group at school. The teachers and administrators had it out for poor Johnny. The law was always against him. There are too many guns in the nation, or television violence is certainly to blame. The latter is something I’m quick to use.

In short we always praise our virtues, but blame the influences when we fall short.

If your head is spinning, trying to gather your thoughts around all of this, then join the club. All I can say is it used to be more clear. No one ever worried about the Boomers self-esteem. Criticism came in heaps, and it was all of us against all the adults. Period.

No wonder we became so “anti-establishment”.  The pendulum swung way too far, I’m afraid.

Influence means the capacity to have an effect on the character, development or behavior of someone or something. What seems to be conveniently left out of all of this is the influence of parents on their children, which I believe brings it all back to home (pun intended).

As parents we have that capacity. I’ll start with my pet peeve.  We can turn off the TV. If it is really a problem, stop paying for cable and use Netflix to make sure they only see what you approve. Parenting means sacrifice sometimes.

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We can teach them right from wrong. Every moment of a child’s life can be a teachable moment.  Does it make you tired just thinking about it?  Well, raising kids is hard work.  No doubt about it!

We need to critize if it is needed; but constructive criticism is better, though I’m not sure they’ll understand the difference until they mature.

Pay attention! Apply pressure when needed.  As someone from the Boomer generation, I think this maybe one of our shortcomings.  I believe we thought incorrectly that if we played it cool, the kids would come around sooner or later.  Well, some of us are still waiting.

Quit blaming the teachers or the school. There was never any doubt in my mind that my parents were on the teacher’s side. I only remember one time when they weren’t and that was when a teacher spanked one of my sisters and left marks on her, which is something my parents never did. Oh they spanked all right, but they never left a bruise.

They didn’t sue. They didn’t call the school board.  They didn’t call the newspaper, nor did they call for the teacher’s removal. They simply went to the principal privately and asked him to say something to her.  They also moved my sister to another class.

Above all, be honest with yourselves, your children and all others. Looking back, that is what I remember most about my wonderful parents. If they didn’t like it, there was no subterfuge. They made sure I knew it. Parents need to lead by example. If we face our circumstances honestly, that may be the best example of all.

The pendulum seems to have swung too far in the other direction from which I was raised. It is time for our children to bring it back some. There has to be middle ground here.

Caterwauling Not Allowed!!

by Filed Under: Family Life, Opinion 2 Comments

We Floridians love our fresh waters, as much or more than our beaches. In the hot, sweltering summer time, nothing is more refreshing than a dip in one of our beautiful springs. This is where we go to really cool off.

Some of us grew up with little beach houses, but more of us grew up with lake and river houses. My parents owned a place on a nearby lake, and it represented my childhood weekends and holidays of fishing, skiing, catching lightning bugs and hours of hanging out on a raft. It was spring fed.

Our children got to enjoy the old lakehouse, too, until they were early teenagers when it burned. It was a great loss to our entire extended family, and we all grieved. My brothers and I still own the property, but no one ever rebuilt.

Now our children are in their late 30s, and we just came back from a weekend at that same lake. It included Harold and me, plus all three kids and their families. Eight adults and six grandchildren all stuffed into two rented lake houses, sitting next door to each other. What a wonderful long weekend.

Each family was in charge of three meals, and there were baby gates everywhere for the safety of the kids. Constantly stepping over those gates was like negotiating an obstacle course.

Having five toddlers in the family is fun and exhilarating. The oldest of the five wears a 4T, and they are all girls. Their exuberance for life is catching.

However, six toddlers also means six times the whining and crying. All except the oldest had one or more meltdowns, which brings me to the point of this blog.

When toddlers today are unhappy, they cry—no, actually it is more than that, they cry and whine for what seems like forever. Here’s my question, is it ok for them to cry and whine until they are driving everyone, including their parents, insane?

On Sunday, just before we left, the four-year-old wanted a toy that her three-year-old sister had. The toy belonged to the three year old. The four year old complained to her parents, and they said that she had to wait until the other child was done with it. That is when the crying and whining began. When no one paid attention, it grew to loud squalling.

They sent her to upstairs to a bedroom, but you could hear it anyway. It got even louder. Finally, she stopped and wandered back to where her sister was still playing with the toy. A fight erupted, and she was told to back down again. The squalling started again; and she was sent to her room, yet again. We listened to her caterwauling for what seemed like forever. Everyone in the house was on edge.

Meanwhile, Harold was loading the dishwasher and was having trouble getting it to close. He lost his temper and slammed it, breaking a dish. This from a man who hardly ever loses his temper, but the constant crying had been going on for over fifteen minutes, which is forever in toddler time.

The four-year-old caterwauler wasn’t the only one. It had happened to almost every one of these kids over the long weekend.

I finally couldn’t contain myself, and said something. I turned to my daughter and said, “were you ever allowed to cry like that?” She stared back somewhat hostile and said, “no, you would say, dry it up.” One of our daughters-in- law looked at me surprised and confused. I told her that I was brought up to believe that crying, when it became annoying to adults, wasn’t allowed.

In fact I remember my grandmother mentioning to my parents that it seemed a shame that they spanked us and then wouldn’t even let us cry. That wasn’t entirely the truth. We cried; and then when it went on too long, we were told that it was enough. I do remember them telling us to hush up or they would give us something to cry about. Harold said that it was the same in his family.

Oh, and that same grandma pulled so many switches off a bush outside her house that it was stunted for life. She would grab me by a pigtail and switch all the time yelling for me to keep still. Like I was going to stay still so she could get a better aim?

We brought our kids up the same way. Crying wasn’t an option when it became annoying. There was no time out. There was simply me and Harold, the kids, discussions about what they did wrong (sometimes an angry in your face discussion), and finally a smack on the hand or butt. The belt was only used for major infractions, and it was the best tool I had for keeping the kids in line.

Harold made it clear to the kids that if I needed him to, that he would take a belt to them when he got home after work. I remember on numerous occasions, when we were having a truly difficult day, saying “If you don’t straighten up, when your dad gets home I’m gonna get him to get his belt.” For about an hour, they would be angels. I think each kid can only remember about a half dozen of those belt moments over the years.

Now, we have to sit in restaurants and other public places and listen to these whining, melt downs from other people’s kids. Harold and I have talked about how there seems to be so many more of these than there used to be.

We can only remember one or two kids in our respective towns that behaved like this. They were usually the kids of a family that was wealthy, and most of the rest of us in town thought that these kids were neglected. Now I’m beginning to think that it might have been the opposite. Maybe, they were given too much of everything—too many toys and too much attention. Or maybe their parents were reading too many “how to” books.

My daughter and daughters-in-law all took the time to study these books written by professionals on how to raise their children. I’m wondering how many of these people employ nannies and maids.

I read Dr. Spock’s book myself, the book that all the mothers in my generation read. The difference is that I decided to take and use only some of the suggestions. I actually liked the way my parents and I turned out, so I used mostly what I learned from them when it came to discipline. I never thought about not spanking my kids.

For some of us, not disciplining our kids would be lazy and dangerous. I wonder what will really happen when you tell a kid today to stop when he or she is in danger. Will they listen?

Here’s how I would have handled the earlier two siblings squabbling over the toy. First, I don’t care whose toy it is. The first little girl would have had the right to play with the toy while the second one would get to “count her out”. I would have told the second one to count to 30, and when she got to 30, it would be her turn to play. Then vice-versa until they tired of the game. Of course, you might have to help them count to 30; but they would learn in due time.

If the second one (or the first) just wanted to continue crying. I would have told her just once to quit her bellyaching. The second time I had to tell her, I would have said that if she doesn’t stop crying then I would give her something to cry about. After another 15 or 20 seconds of this, she would get a spanking and again told to dry it up. No smiling, no giggling, no hesitation—I always meant business and the kids knew it. That usually took care of the problem.

Then consistency is the most important thing. You cannot let them get away with it again. No “annoying” crying allowed from then on.

Of course, when they get to be teenagers, all bets are off.

So I’m interested in how other seniors think? How were you raised and how did you raise your kids? Would you do it any differently? Should kid’s annoying whining and crying be allowed? How do you stop it?

Did You Know That Florida is an Agricultural State?

by Filed Under: Opinion Leave a Comment

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Most people don’t know that about Florida.  Yet, we’re seventh in the nation in agricultural production.

I grew up in a small town in central Florida, where agriculture was our prime economy.  My family was involved in agriculture.  It was a wonderful place to be raised, and I wouldn’t trade my childhood with anyone else’s.

Last week was the Agriculture Council of America’s National Ag Day, which is a day geared to recognize the abundance provided by our nation’s farmers and ranchers. National Ag Day is all about celebrating and recognizing the contributions they make to our everyday lives.  I’m just sorry that I forgot to post something, so here is my contribution.

Agriculture provides almost everything we eat, use and wear on a daily basis; but most of us in America do not truly understand this. Our students usually are not exposed to agriculture, except unless they are enrolled in a related vocational class.  Also, most Americans are raised in cities, and they never venture out into the countryside where agriculture takes place.

So I decided to give you a fact or two about agriculture in America.  Did you know that?

1. Today, every American farmer feeds 144 people — In 1960 one farmer fed 25 people.

Quite simply, American agriculture is doing more – and doing it better with less. Farm and ranch families make up only 2% of our nation’s population.  Farmers today produce 262% more food with 2% fewer inputs (such as seeds, labor, fertilizers) than they did in 1950. 

2.  One in Three Areas is Planted for Export.

As our world population soars, there will be an even greater demand for the food and fiber produced in the United States.

For every $1 spent on food, farmers get less than 12 cents for the raw product.

In 1830, it took about 250 to 300 labor hours to produce 100 bushels (5 acres) of wheat. In 1975, it took just 3¾ hours.

3.  Farming employs more than 24 million Americans (17% of the total workforce).  The number of farms operated by women have doubled in the U.S. since 1978.

Across the country, nearly 300,000 women serve as principal operators on 62.7 million acres of farm and ranch land, accounting for $12.9 billion in farm products in 2012. In my state alone (Florida), when you look at the principal farm and ranch operators by gender–according to the last ag census, 46,009 were men and 25,705 were women.

Agricultural efficiency has increased over the past century from 27.5 acres per worker in 1890 to 740 acres per worker in 1990.

4. Americans spend about 10% of their income on food, which is the lowest of any country. This means all of us have the other 90% of our income to spend on homes, clothing, and vacations.  This also means that the economic backbone of America rests on our cheap, abundant food.

Most developed countries spend around 15% or more of their income on food.  India spends about half of their income.

5. Agriculture employs more the 22 million people in lots of different jobs.

Agribusiness Management, Agricultural and Natural Resources Communications, Building Construction Management, Agriscience, Resource Development and Management; Parks, Recreations, and Tourism Resources; Packaging, Horticulture, Forestry, Food Science, and Fisheries/Wildlife are all categories of agricultural careers.

One out of every five semi truck drivers is hauling raw agricultural products.  This does not include the grocery store trucks you see.

6. Need a job? Several agriculture careers are in demand.

Shortfalls of qualified graduates are needed to work as plant geneticists and plant breeders, climate change analysts, and food safety and security specialists.  Anticipated during 2010–15, according to a Purdue University study.

7. 10 percent of all Americans are involved in farming.

One in 10 Americans play a role in the nation’s food and fiber supply, showing the extreme importance of agricultural awareness and understanding.

Agriculture is too important to only be taught to a small percentage of students considering careers in agriculture and pursuing vocational agricultural studies.

Taking Joy in Life is a Woman’s Best Cosmetic

by Filed Under: Opinion, This & That 3 Comments

I’m sad today. I lost another friend. I say another, because I lost a life-long, childhood girlfriend almost a decade ago; but that is another blog. Today, this is about Lana.

Lana and I met through work back in the 1970s. We were kindred spirits. We were both from small towns. We both were country girls living in the big city. Life was so much fun.

She was a single woman, after a divorce; and I was a married woman, on my way to a divorce. I asked her once to dinner at my home one evening. My soon to be ex-husband complained about the food right in front of her. He didn’t want spaghetti that night. She didn’t bad mouth him then, but about eighteen months later after he moved out, I found out that she wanted to punch him in the face that night.

Because of our work, we traveled together. Traveling with her was such an adventure. The piles of luggage alone were comical. She always wore way too much makeup, but I never said anything. I didn’t need to, because her mother did that enough. Lana traveled with a plastic fishing tackle box full of face creams, eye shadows, lipsticks, and anything else she thought she might need. She traveled like someone out of “Downton Abbey”, but without a porter. One good steamer trunk might have sufficed, but I’m not sure.

We partied hard, talked about everything, shared clothes, and dreamed dreams. One time we were at dinner in a very nice restaurant. I was having trouble cutting my steak, when my hand slipped and my surf flew out of my plate. She casually leaned down and retrieved my shrimp out of her shoe. The girl had taken off her shoes in this very nice eating establishment; but she never missed a beat when she said with a wink, “I guess you can take the girl out of the country, but you can’t take the country out of the girl.” Of course, she meant both of us. There were some puzzled looks around the table, but she kept my secret. We laughed and laughed over that one.

Finally, we moved on with our lives. She left and moved back to her hometown. We both remarried. For the past twenty years, we kept up with each other over the phone. Every once in a while, we would get together again; and it was like we had never parted.

This morning I got a phone call from her oldest daughter. Lana passed away three days ago. Brittany was so apologetic. They had already held her service; and in the calm of the aftermath, someone finally remembered to give me a call.

I cannot blame them for forgetting. They’re all young girls in the prime of their lives with young children of their own. It was truly a shock. Lana had a massive heart attack.

It is so sad to lose an old friend. I’m sitting here, remembering all the good times we had together. Lana was the epitome of something Rosalind Russell said, “Taking joy in life is a woman’s best cosmetic.” Lana was once the joy in my life.

Thank goodness for wonderful memories that sustain us when life moves on.

Has Our Nation Lost Its Soul?

by Filed Under: Opinion, This & That Leave a Comment

This morning I made a statement.  I said, “The whole damn country has lost its mind.”  Harold in reply said, “No, more like it’s lost its soul.”

It all began when I told him about some research I was doing and about a project that was done during the Depression in a city in Florida.   It was a FERA project, where people were hired to interview the old people in that community.  They were asked if they remembered anything their parents told them about their family moving to the area.  What I found were extremely good stories about how people migrated into south Florida during the mid to late 1800s.

Harold said, “What is the FERA”.  I said, “You know, one of those projects where people are given jobs to put more money into the economy.”  “Only they used their money to put people to work, while we just passed a stimulus bill and gave it all away.”  I added, “The whole damn country…”  Well, you get the picture.

 I was partially right.  I found out when I Googled it.

FERA was the Federal Emergency Relief Administration which President Herbert Hoover created in 1932.  They gave loans to states to operate relief programs.  Along with the Civilian Conservation Corps it was the first relief operation under the New Deal.

FERA’s main goal was to alleviate household unemployment by creating new unskilled jobs in local and state governments.  This was more expensive than direct cash payments (called “the dole”), but it was psychologically more beneficial to the unemployed at that time.  The unemployed wanted any sort of job for self-esteem issues.  Men especially wanted to maintain the role as their families’ breadwinners.

By the time FERA closed in 1935, it provided work for over 20 million people and developed facilities on public lands all across the country.  Over $3.1 B was given to states and local governments to run the program.    In 1935 it was replaced with the WPA, the Works Progress Administration.

I’ve always felt that working was a good thing.  It makes me feel good to be productive.  I get satisfaction in what I do.  I’ve always been that since my first job sweeping hair in a beauty salon at the age of 14.  I wanted a beautiful red and black plaid wool skirt and matching vest made by Bobby Brooks.  I asked my parents, and they told me that it cost too much.  I told them I wanted a job, and mama got me one working at her beauty shop for $.50 an hour.  That was 1968.  I worked three afternoons a week and a half day on Saturday.

By the end of my first week, I made enough to go have the skirt placed on lay-away.  The outfit was sold in separates.  I was just hoping no one came in and bought the vest before I could get it, too.

I was in luck; and almost two months later I paid for and took home the entire outfit.  What a wonderful feeling!  I had been bitten by the “work” bug.  Years later, while attending college, I worked in a dress shop; and I spent everything I made in that one store.

I’ve learned to live within my means and spread around the good cheer.  Thankfully, I also learned how to save during those early years.

It is too bad that people like Harold and I seem to be fewer in number.  It has been a good work life for both of us, and now we look forward to retirement.

Because a Dedicated Life is a Life Worth Living

by Filed Under: Movies, Opinion Leave a Comment

Harold and I went to the movie “Lone Survivor”.   I was the one that insisted that we should go.  Harold knows that I don’t like extremely tense movies; and he knew that this one would be just that, so he didn’t say anything about going.

Of course, the movie was extremely intense.  Most of the people in the theatre were young men.  A row of them to my right were all with very short haircuts.  They all set like they were sitting at attention, if that is possible.  They were stoic and very quiet.  The movie was excellent, as was the acting.

Well, why did I go?  I truly believe that freedom in America is not free.  We all owe a debt of gratitude to all the men and women who have fought or are fighting for our freedom.  These young men did just that.

The War in Afghanistan was and still is a direct result of the attacks on the Trade Center buildings, our Pentagon and the plane that went down in Pennsylvania.  This battle took place within five years after those attacks.  At the time, there was no doubt in our collective minds that we needed to be over there.  To do nothing was not an option for our nation.

Lone Survivor is about Operation Red Wings.  The operation was one of the worst military disasters in US history.   Nineteen men lost their lives.  Four men were sent in for reconnaissance and surveillance centered on a leader in the Taliban.

The operation failed because of several reasons, the biggest of which was their discovery by some Afghan goatherders.  They captured the three goatherders, but regretfully had to let them go even though they knew that there was a good chance that the Taliban army of men down in the village would be alerted.  Later, it was their virtues that led to the disaster, not their vices.  The Seal team of four followed the rules of engagement and did the honorable thing.

I had heard enough of this story to feel the tug of my own calling.  If these men could put themselves into this situation for the people in this country, then the least I could do was go see their story.  I am convinced that the lone survivor wanted to make sure these men were not forgotten.

There is really so much more about this movie.  You’ll find yourself proud of these young men and their call to duty.  You’ll be amazed by some Afghan villagers in the story.  You’ll leave the movie as quietly as the young men I sat beside.  Much thought will crowd your mind.

Several days ago I heard that a reporter called the deaths in this operation, senseless.  I just wonder if he would have felt the same in 2005, when this happened.  Time makes us forget, and it is easy to look back ten years and make generalizations.

Senseless?  I think not.  If anything, it was a very conscious decision that was valuable, smart and sensible at the time.  It was not perfect, but it had to be done.  Thank goodness, these professionals knew their purpose; and they did the best they could under the circumstances.   They understood that a dedicated life is a life worth living.  They gave with their whole heart.  Let’s not forget these young men.

 Ever since the first men and women were sent overseas after 9-11, we have had a yellow ribbon around a tree near our street.  Several times over the past dozen or more years, we’ve replaced it because it had lost all its color and was almost unnoticeable.  We just went out again, and re-wrapped that tree for the rest of the men and women who are still over there doing their best to keep America free. We also plan to read the book, because there are still questions unanswered.

Most important of all?  Let the politicians, reporters and pundits argue; but let us not forget our military.

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